Foolish
by peppermintshoes
Summary: I suppose that deep down I always knew the truth but I chose  whether consciously or not – to bury it beneath the dream I thought we had. Hinamori introspective. HitsuMatsu, vague HitsuHina


Title: Foolish

Summary: Momo-whumping with hints of HitsuMatsu.

Rating: PG? G?I dunno. Who actually reads the ratings anyway

Disclaimer: I assure you I don't own Bleach. If you sue me you shall receive nothing but my a stack of medical theory notes and a cat that's scared of its dinner.

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I've heard that, whether alive or dead, the foolish only ever see what they want to see and, in a strange way, they're right. I suppose that deep down I always knew the truth but I chose - whether consciously or not – to bury it beneath the dream I thought we had.

From the beginning, there were always so many issues looming over our heads that I have no idea how we – or rather I – managed to ignore them for so long. Looking back, I can see so many instances where he tried to bring them up for discussion, but I did my absolute best to ignore every attempt at serious conversation. Even now, I'm not quite sure how I managed to fool myself into believing that anything we had could have truly lasted. Our relationship was too complicated and ultimately unable to endure what we tried to put it through. There was simply too much emotional baggage. Its hard to believe that something we had both wanted – or thought we had wanted – for so long could come to such an anti-climax, but it did. Granted, everything seemed perfect to start with, but it didn't take long for various problems to make themselves known.

I think that part of the problem was that neither of us was particularly willing to admit that there were in fact troubles in our relationship. Not necessarily because we couldn't face up to them, but there was an external factor that we hadn't taken into consideration. There was an outside pressure from much of the gotei 13 that, in a way, forced us to pretend that everything was fine. We felt pressured to have a "perfect relationship" because of the expectations of the people around us. After a while, I guess we just started to believe that "perfect relationship" image that we projected to everyone around us. In my opinion though, our refusal to see our own problems, a sort of "selective ignorance" I suppose, was the catalyst for what turned out to be a long downhill drop. We tried valiantly to keep the charade going, to keep up the constant facade, but it didn't take long for it to start to wear on us.

We were never awfully good with communication. To be perfectly honest, I don't really think he thought that much of what I had to say was worth listening to, although in his defence I did tend to be awfully shallow. As a result, we never talked – really talked – in the way that we should have. Issues such as Aizen's betrayal were carefully ignored by both of us and we rarely brought up serious issues for fear of jeopardising the relationship we finally had. Its ironic when you think about it; it was the one thing we tried to avoid that eventually tore us apart. Obviously I can't be certain, but I imagine that if we had spoken about the various issues hanging over our heads and cleared them up once and for all, we may have had a better chance or surviving each other.

We didn't end on the best of terms. Actually, we barely even ended on any sort of terms at all. I can't even recall what we were fighting about, something stupid I'm sure, but I do know that it was the last straw for both of us and ended in a huge and rather public falling out. We haven't spoken to each other since, and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to; I haven't the slightest clue what I'd do or say if I was to talk to him again.

I've dated a few people since him, but it all seems so shallow and pointless. Every little detail of them, I compare to him, and its those little things that drive me nuts. It shouldn't matter that someone doesn't have silver hair, yet I find myself preferring it over black. It shouldn't matter how tall someone is, yet I find myself wishing there were more short men living in Sereitei. There has been nothing wrong with any of the other men I've dated its just that they're not _him_

That's the problem, you see? Everything that I do, there is always something in there that will remind me of him. The first snow of winter, a giant slice of watermelon, the ice in my water jug during the depths of winter. The list goes on. Its as though he's haunting my life and I'll never be free of him.

But I don't really want to be.

I've tried so many times to force myself to avoid him, but I find myself unable to stay away and inevitably end up watching him from afar. Its like my own form of sweet torture; on the one hand I get to see him, and if I try hard enough I can almost bring myself to believe that he's still mine. But then _she_ comes along and I am bitterly reminded of the fact that he is not. Despite the pain it causes, I find myself watching every nuance and interaction, every touch, every caress. It saddens me, but I've come to the realisation that the two of them have something that we never had. Unlike me she is strong, confident and reliable, although not so much when it comes to paperwork. She has so many admirable qualities that I never had, but the main thing I envy is her strong will. Because of that will, the two of them will _always_ know where they stand with each other, because she wouldn't accept anything less. Her devotion shows how much she respects him, her confidence allows her to show him every side she has to offer, and not be ashamed, and her unwavering loyalty means that he knows he can lay his life on the line and she will be there to back him up, her resolve never faltering. She will never betray him, and this knowledge shames me when I recall how easily I threw away centuries of friendship with him for a man who never loved me.

Its been so many years since we've spoken; centuries in fact. I really should have made the effort to speak to him, or he to me. Damn his stubbornness. Damn my pride. So often I wonder how he's really doing; there is only so much one can glean from voyeuristic eavesdropping. What I do know is that I am no longer a part of his life, and its that more than anything that saddens me. I would give anything for things to go back to the way they were before. Before Aizen. Before we confessed our "love". Before he started seeing _her _as more than just his second in command. But the sad truth is that I will never be a part of his life again, not in the way I used to be. He doesn't need me anymore, not like I need him. He has _her_ now. I am alone. Sometimes at night I can almost feel his presence next to me, although its usually when I'm half asleep. Then I roll over to put my arm around him and I remember. He's no longer there, no longer mine.

Sometimes on those nights, I sit alone and think.

And I wonder,

What if?


End file.
